Wednesday, 11 January 2012

One Minute At A Time

Sometimes I wonder, how am I supposed to manage this. This Diabetes thing. Sometimes I think that that is the very reason why I was so afraid to manage my Diabetes for so long. You need to test. Not so bad. You need to act on that blood sugar. Take a bolus. Eat some food. Wait, what if I have to go on a random supermarket run? What if I throw up after I eat this? What if what if what if. Diabetes is full of what if's. 

After that, you need to write down everything you do. You need to study it, and make decisions based on what you are looking at. Sometimes, although I know all the literature in my head backwards, I still don't know what I'm doing. It's overwhelming, this Diabetes crap. I need to basal test. I need to not eat in between meals so my blood sugar has a chance. I'm too high, I need to skip this meal. I'm not feeling hungry, but I need to eat this snack because I'm heading for the low zone. I need to manage my weight. I need to eat better. I need I need I need. The list goes on and on and on. Diabetes isn't just one finger poke. It's not just one button push. 

There are so many other parts to managing Diabetes that we need to pay attention to. It's hard, and it's not pretty. A good friend of mine said to me once, "You need to stop focusing on today, tomorrow, this afternoon. Get through this very minute you are standing in right now." That is something that gives me strength when I get overwhelmed with Diabetes, or anxiety, or both, whichever it may be. I heard that phrase about 3 years ago. I was in the midst of the worst anxiety I have ever experienced and I wasn't taking my insulin. I wasn't even staying connected to my pump. 

I have learned over the years, to take one minute at a time. I can't worry about what i'm going to be doing later on today, because I need to get through this minute, right here, right now.

Today started off well with Diabetes Rehab.

I woke up high. I bolused, and went back asleep.

I woke up again in range. I had lunch, and bolused.

I was in range for 3 hours after lunch.

Then all of a sudden, I shot up to 328. WTFructose?

This made me mad and so I quit Diabetes in that moment. I was done for the day. What was the point in trying? I hadn't eaten in 4 hours and now this?

So I got mad, and didn't correct. I had my sulk and my strop and I got over it. Then I tested about an hour later and took my correction bolus. I gave up in that moment because I thought "Ugh, the rest of the day is just going to be high and crap like this now."

But I can't focus on the rest of the day. I need to get through this minute.

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