I haven't been around much in the DOC this past week. Maybe a little more. I haven't been participating in DSMA or the usual twitter banter that we all enjoy with each other. Haven't blogged a whole lot either. I actually haven't been interacting with anybody a whole lot.
As some of you know, I started up a little thing for myself back in December, called DRehab. The next couple of paragraphs is an extract from an email I sent to a wonderful friend of mine, whom I met through the DOC. These words explained why I needed to check into DRehab so desperately.
"My background..I was diagnosed when I was 13. I’m 19 now. At first, I did really well. I thrived on just doing what I was supposed to do and being a good kid. I had almost perfect control all the time, I never had a problem with my Diabetes at all. I did most of it myself, or so I thought, but really I let my mom control a lot of my actions and i’m only realising that now. I gave her power a little bit every time, slowly. That is why i’m where i’m at now with the anxiety. A year and a half after I was diagnosed, my Grandfather died very suddenly. I was very close with my Grandparents. That summer I seemed to have sort of melt down. I was 15. I started having panic attacks and couldn’t leave the house. Couldn’t let my Mom go anywhere without me. I would get so panicky in the car sometimes I would make her pull over and if she didn’t, I would pull her arm off the wheel and almost crash the car. I couldn’t stay in school unless my Mom stayed outside in the car. All day.
It was very intense and I was like that for a long time. I never checked my blood sugar, never bolused, and spent most of the day disconnected from the pump. I was convinced that no matter what I did, I was going to go low and die. At night time I never connected my pump. When I did check my blood sugar, rarely, it would be 500+. I would freak out if my bloodsugar went under 360 because I was afraid I would go low. I remember one day I checked and I Was 260 and I had a total panic attack because I thought I was going to go low. I had a lot of hospital stays because my Mom would discover I wasn’t taking my insulin, she would try to give me a shot and I wouldn’t let her, so she would just send me to the hospital. But I was so scared and nobody saw that. Everybody just thought that I was being selfish and that was so hard. My Mom didn’t send me to counselling because she thought it was just a phase I was going through. She didn’t know for a long time that I was taking absolutely no insulin. I lied all the time and said my blood sugars were fine. When I would feel really sick, I would maybe take 2 units to take the edge off the high.
Then I started staying connected to the pump. But I never bolused. My panic attacks got a little better to where I could almost function. I went to college, got a full time job. Staying connected to the pump but never bolusing and constantly over eating, even while I was working. I did this right up until the 27th of November, 2011. My a1c was unreadable. Then one night I was watching Private Practice and I saw one of the characters putting herself through Rehab for drug addiction. I often thought to myself, I wondered if Rehab would help me. it was like an addiction, not taking the insulin and I just needed to stop lying and be open and honest about my fears. So I started DRehab, and shared my story on twitter. They were the hardest nights of my life but I knew that I had to do something because I was so scared that complications were lurking. I still get scared now but I bolus for everything now and it feels so wonderful to have that control back. My anxiety isn’t much better, I still won’t go anywhere alone and rarely go out with my friends, but it is slowly getting better. I'm putting myself through counselling every week and i’m working hard on my issues."
That's a bite-sized slice of my story. Like anybody else going through a rehab programme, I have relapses. I'm going through one now. I have been grossly over eating and not bolusing because this week, the fear won.
Right now i'm sitting at my kitchen table as I write this, having just consumed 50g of carbs and not bolusing for them because I am so worried that I will go low and die. I know that my fear is irrational, I do know that. But it feels incredibly real that it paralyses my every move and consumes my every thought through each and every day. I'm taking medication. I go to counselling. I'm in a better place than I was before. I keep my pump attached all the time. I check a couple times a day and I bolus here and there. That has been my pattern the last few days. Right now I know i'm
So high that my eyes feel greasy and I already wanna pee and and I just feel exhausted, yet I can't sleep. I feel like that all the time when I go through these relapses.
I don't know why i'm putting this all out there. I think maybe being real about it and being accountable, not hiding it anymore may help me push through it. I'm scared that i'm going to get hate mail, saying how awful and careless I am, how selfish I am, or even how stupid Or ridiculous I am behaving. I've heard it all before.
I'm in a dark lonely place right now and i'm looking everywhere for a ray of light that is going to help me find my way out.
I'll keep going through the motions and hoping i'll land on my feet with complications. I am aware that I probably will not. But i'm doing what I can to stay calm. This all has to be for something.
So I hope. And wish. And dream.