Depressive disorders suck.
For a long time I've been trying to fight, and I think I've been fighting the wrong thing. Instead of fighting against the illness I'm fighting against myself and I'm fighting against counselling and I'm fighting against medication.
Truthfully, counselling makes me worse. I know that a lot of people say that, and I know that counselling is something that takes a while to work. I know that you're not supposed to feel better after the first session. But I also know that I can't persue something that makes me feel so much worse. It doesn't just not help me, it makes me feel worse. And honestly I feel pretty bad anyway, so "worse" is pretty shit.
Today, thanks to help from Kate and others, I finally got the courage to go back to my doctor and talk to him about it. He told me that he thinks there is a reason that counselling makes it worse right now, and that he thinks medication might help me even without counselling alongside.
I'm scared of medication. I'm scared that it will make my brain go numb or that it will stop me being able to do what I am good at (philosophy) or make me irrational. I can't do philosophy if I'm not rational anymore, and I don't want to lose that part of myself - that's one of the aspects of myself that I genuinely like.
So there is a lot of fear in getting proper treatment. If I'm scared of talking and I'm scared of taking meds, what can I do? I told my doctor what I am afraid of, and he said that the medication he was prescribing me might make my head feel a little fuzzy, but that it generally passes within a week. And he said that if I don't feel better in a month, he can take me right back off it again.
As of this evening, I'm starting on Citalopram. If anyone has any personal experience (happy stories are very much appreciated!) or knows if this might affect my D management at all, please let me know.
Much as I feel like I'm giving in, I just keep telling myself that this isn't giving in, that I'm finally fighting the right thing and that I'm on the way to getting better.