Saturday, 25 February 2012


I shouted, startling myself. It is disorientating to wake yourself with your own voice. The moment when I am awake, hearing myself saying what I planned to say in a dream which only just happened but I can't quite remember. It feels like there was a reason, but I have no idea what that reason was. I thought that was funny, really. Like just seconds ago I was somebody else, but I'm not anymore. It's 4.31AM. I'm not quite sure how I know that I'm awake now. Perhaps I'm just dreaming that I woke up. That does happen sometimes.

I sat up in bed. It's 5.57AM. My mouth feels like the Sahara Desert. My head is pounding. I'm not sure if it really hurts. It feels more like a drum beat. I walk to the sink and fill a mug up with water. As I drink it, I realise why my mouth is dry. My bedroom is so hot. I open the window and lie back down, feeling the cold wind on my face.

There are still a couple of hours left before I need to be awake. It feels like I am sleeping deeply, but that is funny. If I was really in a deep sleep, surely I wouldn't be aware enough to know about it. My face is pressed against my pillow. I'm not sure how I manage to sleep and breathe at the same time every night. When I'm awake, it's hard to figure out how to lie so that I am comfortable and my mouth is not pressed against the pillow.

My pump is pressing against my hip. I pull it away, but now I realise that I'm lying on my arm and the set is pressing against it. I'm not sure if it is uncomfortable enough to move. I'm thirsty again.

I wonder why I'm holding my duvet so tightly if it's warm in here. I have a blanket wrapped around me, but usually I would have kicked it off. Perhaps it's because I'm only half asleep. I drink the water.

Getting back into bed, I pick up my meter. I'm just moving, not thinking. The number on the meter says 19.3. That's a funny number. 1x3=3. 3x3=9. If you multiply the first number by the last number, you get the last number. If you multiply the first number by the last number, you get the middle number.

I breathe in so fast that I wake myself up again. It's light now. I lie back down.

Suddenly, my radio is playing. It's so loud. It's so cold. I turn it off.

It is time to wake up, but I can't wake up. I slept for 10 hours, but I didn't really sleep. I lay in bed, intoxicated by high blood glucose. So tired and so confused by being high and dehydrated that I didn't even correct down the high number I saw on the meter, because I was too busy looking at how the numbers fitted together. I was so confused that I confused cold for warm purely because I was thirsty.

The above is how I know that diabetes isn't even remotely fair.

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