Monday 7 May 2012

Oh, You're In My Veins

I was listening to the song "In my veins" by Andrew Belle and it inspired this post. I haven't blogged in about 2 months, it's good to be writing again.

- Also, this blog is extremely negative and explores the untalked about areas of how I feel about my Diabetes. Remember, ydmv. (Your Diabetes may Vary.)

Type 1 Diabetes is in my veins. The feeling that I have sand running through my veins instead of blood when i'm high. The feeling of nothing running through them when low.

It's on my skin.
That tingling when i'm low or the dry tight itchiness when i'm high. The sweat I break out in when i'm high in the night.

It's in my eyes.
The feeling that elephants are sitting on my eyelids when i'm low. Trying to stay awake. The feeling that a film of grease is covering my eyeball and the sting and gloopiness of it when i'm high.

"You're all I taste at night inside of my mouth."
It's in my friggin mouth. The dryness on the roof of my mouth or the back of my throat when i'm high. My face feels like it's hanging off when i'm low.

It's on my hands.
My fingertips are scarred from pricking. My hands get shaky when I go low, and sweaty when i'm high.

It's in my heart.
The speed of my heart changes depending on my blood sugar. The pain I feel in my heart to just be like everybody else and not have to deal with this.

It's in my stomach.
The hunger from a low. The hot acid feeling when i'm high. The nausea. The flipping. The scarring.

It's in my legs.
My shins feel like they are going to snap when i'm high. Walking to the bathroom is an effort. I feel like I have jello for knee caps when i'm low. The scarring.

It's in my head.
The fog of a low blood sugar. The crankyness of a high one. The headache. The god.damn.fog.

It's in my brain.
The fear. The guilt. Despair. Loneliness. Terror. Agony. Pity party. Drama. Effort. Selfishness. Eat everything. Just incase. Be prepared. What if. Blind. You're going to die. You are not normal. Pain. Insanity. Mania. Exhausted. Hold my hand. Hold me through it. Alone, forever. Nobody will ever love you. You'll never conquer this. Defeat. Afraid. Panic. Heart attack. Chopped off leg. Liver failure. Kidney damage. Stroke. Blood clots. Death. Die. You're going to die. You're going to die. You're going to die.

As I see it, Diabetes is a huge part of me. So why can't I get a grip on it? Why do I let it make me feel like a bold child, and why do I fear it?

Diabetes has me in a corner. A cold, dark, damp agonising corner. With sharp pieces of glass sticking out of the walls. Like the Chokee in the principal's room in the movie Matilda. The chokee is my Diabetes and i'm Matilda locked in it. Legend says that the key is there, but I have been looking for it so long and had my hopes dashed, I wonder if they key is even there anymore.

I see my DOC friends that have made it out. Who can see the light. Or have made it past the glass. They are my strength. They are what make me want to wake up in the morning and fight for another day.

But what if i'm not strong enough? What if I don't make it? Then what? How much longer can I do this for?

I wish I had something more positive or motivational to say. But right now, this is how I feel.

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