Those Conversations.

I was out on Friday night with my friends, celebrating an old friend's 21'st Birthday. I had already had 4 alcoholic drinks and was a small bit tipsy.

My cousin and I were giddy and excited as we both squashed into the same bathroom cubicle of the busy nightclub toilets. The noise outside was muffled and there was some sort of weird silence now inside the cubicle, although we were still hyper, laughing and joking.

My hand brushed over my infusion site as I placed my handbag down and it felt odd. I could feel that the adhesive was hanging on by a thread, but wasn't sure if the cannula was still inside me. My cousin, who is also called Kate, knows what she needs to about Diabetes. Here is how the conversation went:

Me: "Kate, is the tube still in my skin?"

Kate: *clumsily pulls up my shirt and tries to focus on my site* She went quiet, and I turned and looked at her and she had my site in her hand, and giggled, "Am, no, it's not in your skin, just the plaster was hanging on, the tube was out."

We both stopped for a minute. We weren't two young carefree women having fun in a nightclub anymore. Diabetes popped it's head up to say "HEY!! I'm still here ya know!! Don't have fun without me!!".

She knew that this was dangerous because I had been drinking and I knew it was dangerous.

My beverage of choice is very sugary, I don't like beer or ales or stouts or ciders, or even wine. I don't drink often but when I do this is what I drink.

Kate: "Damn, do you have to go home now?"

Me: "Nah. I'll be okay. There are 3 hours left, i'll just stop drinking and i'll be fine."

I knowingly had no back up insulin but for some stupid reason, I refused to be different that night. I was having so much fun, dancing the night away, celebrating with friends. everybody was happy, I was not going home, I was not letting diabetes ruin this night for me.

We carried on with our business in the packed nightclub bathroom. Then she stopped and said to me, trying to sound serious because we weren't the soberest that we have ever been.

Kate: "So, if you pass out, is it because you are high or you are low? Because the lack of insulin will make you high, the alcohol that you have had could make you go low."

Me: "Erm, good question. If I pass out, which I won't, just test me."

I was so ashamed of myself right there. I didn't know what to say to her. Bad Diabetic. Can't take care of herself. Doesn't know what she is doing.

 I haven't been testing my blood sugars at all in the recent weeks. I'm struggling and DRehab is just non existent right now.

I continued the night, telling myself Diabetes wasn't going to win. But it did. It was always at the back of my mind. The thirst was unbearable and I could feel my eyes wanting to close. I must have been off the charts.

I got home at 2am and went straight upstairs to put a new site in and test. I was 32.9. (592). I didn't even know what to do about that. I had no ketones, but I wasn't sure how aggresively to correct because of the alcohol. Eventually I contacted Lindsey and she told me what to do. I just took 5 units and gently cruised down the rest of the night, setting alarms every 3 hours to make sure I didn't go higher or too low.

I don't know how to get out of this stupid phase i'm going through. I'm just so scared all the time and I don't want to have to deal with it. I am so ashamed. I feel a lot of things. Fear, guilt, blame, to name a few. I just need to keep pressing on, and hoping sometime soon, something will come to me and give me strength to grab it by the horns.