Cold

I shouted, startling myself. It is disorientating to wake yourself with your own voice. The moment when I am awake, hearing myself saying what I planned to say in a dream which only just happened but I can't quite remember. It feels like there was a reason, but I have no idea what that reason was. I thought that was funny, really. Like just seconds ago I was somebody else, but I'm not anymore. It's 4.31AM. I'm not quite sure how I know that I'm awake now. Perhaps I'm just dreaming that I woke up. That does happen sometimes.

I sat up in bed. It's 5.57AM. My mouth feels like the Sahara Desert. My head is pounding. I'm not sure if it really hurts. It feels more like a drum beat. I walk to the sink and fill a mug up with water. As I drink it, I realise why my mouth is dry. My bedroom is so hot. I open the window and lie back down, feeling the cold wind on my face.

There are still a couple of hours left before I need to be awake. It feels like I am sleeping deeply, but that is funny. If I was really in a deep sleep, surely I wouldn't be aware enough to know about it. My face is pressed against my pillow. I'm not sure how I manage to sleep and breathe at the same time every night. When I'm awake, it's hard to figure out how to lie so that I am comfortable and my mouth is not pressed against the pillow.

My pump is pressing against my hip. I pull it away, but now I realise that I'm lying on my arm and the set is pressing against it. I'm not sure if it is uncomfortable enough to move. I'm thirsty again.

I wonder why I'm holding my duvet so tightly if it's warm in here. I have a blanket wrapped around me, but usually I would have kicked it off. Perhaps it's because I'm only half asleep. I drink the water.

Getting back into bed, I pick up my meter. I'm just moving, not thinking. The number on the meter says 19.3. That's a funny number. 1x3=3. 3x3=9. If you multiply the first number by the last number, you get the last number. If you multiply the first number by the last number, you get the middle number.

I breathe in so fast that I wake myself up again. It's light now. I lie back down.

Suddenly, my radio is playing. It's so loud. It's so cold. I turn it off.

It is time to wake up, but I can't wake up. I slept for 10 hours, but I didn't really sleep. I lay in bed, intoxicated by high blood glucose. So tired and so confused by being high and dehydrated that I didn't even correct down the high number I saw on the meter, because I was too busy looking at how the numbers fitted together. I was so confused that I confused cold for warm purely because I was thirsty.

The above is how I know that diabetes isn't even remotely fair.

Vlog: Infusion sets are scary

I decided to record this vlog this morning. Over the past couple of weeks, in the DOC we have been talking about how some of us get really nervous when it's time to change our infusion sets. While it's not so much of an issue for me now, when I was new to the pump, the infusion set going in was a really scary prospect.

For me, I think it was the noise. Some people fear the pain. Some people are terrified that they hit a blood vessel and bleed horribly all over the place. It is scary, and it's a very real fear. Over time though, the fear eases a little. But some people are still nervous, and I can't say i'm not one of them. The 'BANG' of the inserter is not a fun noise. The speed of a needle barreling towards your skin is not fun either. Yikes.

Every time I change my set I still need to take a little breath in. It's scary. But it's over fast, too.

I suggested to Carrie that she try insert her set without the inserter. Just go all rogue (in true diabetes bad ass style) and pop it in herself, without any help from a scary bangy thingy. So this morning I figured, that is a scary prospect too, and that she shouldn't be alone. So I did it myself, and I recorded it and put it here in a Vlog. Enjoy!

(if you are having trouble viewing this video, could you please let me know? via twitter/email)

Giving in vs. getting better

Depressive disorders suck.

For a long time I've been trying to fight, and I think I've been fighting the wrong thing. Instead of fighting against the illness I'm fighting against myself and I'm fighting against counselling and I'm fighting against medication.

Truthfully, counselling makes me worse. I know that a lot of people say that, and I know that counselling is something that takes a while to work. I know that you're not supposed to feel better after the first session. But I also know that I can't persue something that makes me feel so much worse. It doesn't just not help me, it makes me feel worse. And honestly I feel pretty bad anyway, so "worse" is pretty shit.

Today, thanks to help from Kate and others, I finally got the courage to go back to my doctor and talk to him about it. He told me that he thinks there is a reason that counselling makes it worse right now, and that he thinks medication might help me even without counselling alongside.

I'm scared of medication. I'm scared that it will make my brain go numb or that it will stop me being able to do what I am good at (philosophy) or make me irrational. I can't do philosophy if I'm not rational anymore, and I don't want to lose that part of myself - that's one of the aspects of myself that I genuinely like.

So there is a lot of fear in getting proper treatment. If I'm scared of talking and I'm scared of taking meds, what can I do? I told my doctor what I am afraid of, and he said that the medication he was prescribing me might make my head feel a little fuzzy, but that it generally passes within a week. And he said that if I don't feel better in a month, he can take me right back off it again.

As of this evening, I'm starting on Citalopram. If anyone has any personal experience (happy stories are very much appreciated!) or knows if this might affect my D management at all, please let me know.

Much as I feel like I'm giving in, I just keep telling myself that this isn't giving in, that I'm finally fighting the right thing and that I'm on the way to getting better.

Grateful.

My name is Kate. I am one eternally grateful girl right now. I wrote a post last Sunday night, about my struggles. I let out all the dirty details that I rarely share with people. I was unsure of posting that blog, because I feared that people would not understand and judge me.

Boy, was I wrong.

All you have to do, is take a look at the comments I received on that post. Take a look at twitter, at Facebook. My e-mail inbox. I cried reading the comments, I cried just now replying to them all. I can't quite put into words how grateful I am. I can't seem to thank people enough - enough that I am satisfied with to do justice to the support you have all given to me. So many of you reached out. I know that i'm not alone. You all know the truth now, and that is a wonderful feeling. I feel like I have a weight off.

I'm still struggling. But I know that I am not alone. I'm still not taking my insulin properly or eating right or checking half as much as I should be. But every day that passes, I am feeling a little stronger, a little less afraid, and a lot less alone. I'm hoping that this relapse passes soon, because I do not feel well at all. I have signs all over my body that I am not healthy, from high blood sugars coursing through my veins. I'm still searching for my inner strength to get back on the DRehab horse again, and I feel that it is close. I know that once I find the strength to get back in the swing of things, and not be so afraid, I have a whole community out there to lean on when things get tough or scary.

I'm so glad that so many of you felt that my post helped people. That never even entered my mind. The power of words, the power of community, never ceases to amaze me. My heart is so filled with love and gratefullness for you all right now. (Is that even a word?) I don't care, I love you all so much.

I still feel I haven't thanked everybody enough. I want you all to know how grateful I am and how much all your words and support means to me. Outside of the DOC, I don't have a great Diabetes support network. People don't get it in my RL like you all do. I don't know where I would be without the DOC today and it's something that I don't like to think about a lot.

You all saved me. Know that you make a difference. Please know that.